I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
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There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.