Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
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Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.