I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
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screw you
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence