The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
You Might Also Like
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC