I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
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Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]