a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”