Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
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interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
…u ok Nintendo?
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
house sitting!
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.