Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
You Might Also Like
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!