Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
This will teach them to underestimate me
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook