Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
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*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
NOT all policemen are strippers.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.