I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
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wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird