Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
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Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
The Assassin.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
CUTE CAT‼︎
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.