Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
You Might Also Like
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.