Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
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I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is