Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
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Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok