I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
This checks out
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole