[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
a fate I wish upon no one
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason