[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
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4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
🙅🏻
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.