Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
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The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I really had high hopes for this year though
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.