8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
6: are snakes just neck?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Not all heroes wear capes.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Buying a well is money well spent.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”