It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I’m about to risk it all
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.