Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
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PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
🤣✨#caturday
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*