“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
You Might Also Like
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Happy Febuary everyone!
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
one of
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.