“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
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All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵