My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
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me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?