Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.