My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
A Short Story.
Dance like you’re not the father
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.