Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
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I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Choose your fighter
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.