Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
2023 was just a warmup
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”