[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
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I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
“no gods no masters” = leo
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”