And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..