Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
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I wish all tests were things you peed on
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it