The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
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During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.