I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”