I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????