[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
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I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.