Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)