* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
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You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
O Wise One….
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again