My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
You Might Also Like
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Breaking news:
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently