Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Wikigenius
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
me when the borders lift
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.