[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?