Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw