CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
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Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
just left a huge legacy in there
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack