Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
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Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
This has made my week.