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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.