The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
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We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
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Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Not😆🤣
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.