Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!