If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
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I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Okay
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.