Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
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My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*