Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
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My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My dad is at it again
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
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My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.